anxiety

So today I have woken up feeling anxious again. It’s this deep dark feeling in the pit of my belly. It’s telling me things are bad, black. It’s telling I am bad. It’s telling me things are going to be bad. No matter how hard I try. It’s like this sub-plot in my life. It’s subtle. You’d have to dig a bit to figure out what there is in my life to be scared about. Today is all sunshine, friends and BBQs. So nothing to fear there. And yet, superseding everything else, this feeling in my body that things are not ok.

What hacks me off is how long I’ve been putting up with this. It feels like forever. Maybe it is. It does let up at times, but generally, usually, it’s there with me. Sometimes ever so quiet. Other times intrusively, disrespectfully incapacitating.

I get all different kinds of advice from all different kinds of people about how to manage my negative thoughts and feelings. I’ve had a couple of Christians tell me these thoughts come from the Devil and I need to reject him, tell him where to go, where to stick his “You’re not enough”s and his “You will be always be bad”s. I’m not convinced.

Then there’s mindfulness which tells me acceptance is the key to feeling more at peace. I need to breathe into the anxious feelings and such like. Well that might help me survive a minute or two of it…

Then of course there’s medication which is supposed to help. Two problems with that.
1. It makes me feel numb
2. I want to start a family and any drugs in pregnancy can be an issue. (That’s a whole other story)

You’d think that by now I might have figured out a way to deal with it. But it always surprises me with its ability to pull the rug out from under my feet.

As for today I think I’ll go with ignoring it mixed with attempting a bit of acceptance. We’ll see what happens. I predict exhaustion and headaches by the end of the day.